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The hyper connectivity of the world

Life is the product of environments. A solution to existence must account for the surroundings of that existence. What do we live amongst today?

Epidemics of the infinite growth paradigm. Obesity, Opiates, Consolidated Wealth, Cancer, Weaponry. Products of an infinite growth paradigm tend to dominate our existence.

Epidemics of the Ego. Terminal miracles over long term wellness. Extreme capitalism where we dump resources into the promised stability of capital and oil. Ideas so embedded into our culture that to lose them would be catastrophic. Mass starvation and warfare on every level would erupt.

We have lost the ability to function inside our environments on a small scale. The hyper connectivity of the world created a temporary state of huge disparity. Fear, Lust, and Isolation run rampant through society. The overstimulation of strong emotions needs to balance. Globally we are in a mental health crisis. Only because we forget…

We live in an Ecosystem.

 

I refuse to recognize what I’ve become

I distract myself daily. Jump from one game to the next. I don’t meditate. I don’t pray. I don’t write. I hide.

I have regrets. I have fears. Yet, I have so much life left to live.

Still I know I cannot simply pry myself away with thoughts. My mind is an organ. I have been building this cage for quite some time. No one has ever disguised the fact that it will take dedication – discipline over time.

I think step 1 might be just to take it back to step 1. Understand I am an animal. I am not a limitless consciousness. I am not Allah. I need sleep. I need food. I need social comfort. I need warmth. Most of my thoughts are controlled first by these instincts. I need to accept them. I need to work with them. I need to embrace myself.

I can do anything. I haven’t really set personal goals since college. Life was easy then. Tracks were clear. Nowhere to go but up. Somewhere I lost focus. I began to hide. Drugs seem to help. They just distract. No worse than other vices – just easier to objectify. Make it about the symptom, not the why.

I have maintained social circles that say this is an ok way to be. This is a way to live. The way to live. I can’t be sure weed plays the same role in everyone’s life. But at least for conversation its close enough.

 

Numb

I have become so very numb.

A persons life is all they really ever have.

Numbess, by it’s nature, is hard to recognize. An assault of decreasing detection. Sensitivity to sensitivity change is still a sensitivity. And it too slowly slips away.

What was the cause?

Overstimulation dulls receptors. Normal becomes boring. Meditation can balance expectation.

Marijuana takes away concern until it is no longer recognizable to me.

I no longer exist in the world lived at large. The predictability is assinine. Yet it’s to important to be amused by misalignment. A persons life is all they really ever have.

Death runs ranmpent in the world. We fear it. We run from it. We are so focused that we fail to realize we are merely running further from health. From life.

Love or Fear. Make a choice. You will always find what you look for.

Don’t you see the truth?

Further Descent

I beat off to guys arms once this week. Part of me wants to dissect my intentions. Speculate upon brain chemistry and tolerance creation. Extremism. Emotional infusion. Guilt. But, being completely honest, I found it pretty arousing.

Some videos slipped into other sessions this week but never fully grasped me. I would say I’ve slid to the outskirts in other directions as well. From a strict quantitative viewpoint I’m on a six day streak. Today would make a week.

I want to go there. I am trudging down an infinite staircase. I am uncertain if I’m actively participating anymore or merely riding momentum and gravity. The gravity of chaos.

My sober nights are few and far between. My sober days are barely holding half. I need to stop. All of it? One of it? Things are quite hard to see from the inside.

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I’ve never been so sure of anything.

It feels absolute. Willpower is so low it feels like I’m no longer even making decisions.

Focus at work is an impossibility. How can brain with such exposure focus on anything? Even the ghost of marijuana infused, pornographic orgasms has far more appeal than a job.

Of course, I believe my libido falls in the less half and so my free time must include other pleasure inducing activities. Wins from adrenaline filled head shots make video games an appealing addition.

I can even imagine what my hours would look like over 3 days. I feel like an abysmal excuse of a human.

I think the true dive off the deep end was a vape pen. Always ready. Inconspicuous to transport. Low oder and visual exhale. I’ve barely not been high since the purchase.

I made it to around 11 today. Yesterday I left work early to get it in before 4. That was when I made the purchase.

The week before I blazed a gram in 4 days. Pretty aggressive rate for me. Instead of buying a gram of flower under the assumption it is my last I decided to accept my addiction and limit the consequences of smoke inhalation.

I still don’t think vaporizing THC is good. For one, my throat hurts. For two, I’m high ALL the time. Funny for someone who started a website to help maintain sobriety.

It’s hard to sleep before 1 am. It’s too warm. I must be in such sleep debt. I’ve been living on junk. Bad decisions fueled by bad fuel. I’ve felt distant from everyone lately.

It started when I stopped praying. It started when I stopped meditating. It started when I stopped taking my vitamins. I stopped trying. And gave in.

But habits can carry me out.

Danielle Delivers

Danielle Padula.

Wow. What a perfect girl.

Padula is a gorgeous woman with demanding control of strong and lean body. A seriously excellent flexer. Hitting all the positions of the wrist, arm, elbow, and shoulders she constantly proves her biceps are not lacking in any way.

She takes splits to the 3rd degree. She talks about noticing them in one of the shoots. Her eyes alternate between the camera and her own bicep. My mind alternates between what I am witnessing and the thought of her perspective.

I would be absolutely without control were I to ever interact with such a goddess. Words would fail me and I would be at her mercy if I was brave enough to not run.

Her laughter is a constant reminder of the ease with which she shreds up the masses which float about her arms. Sometimes I will be convinced she is fully peaked and then she will go absolutely filthy with it.

Lots of high peak angles show the top down definition. Unreal shape.

Suha Slipped By

I expected her to flex again and she stopped. It was too late. I held on for what seemed like forever. I’m not sure if I could have relaxed or not. An orgasm dripped from a raging erection.

It’s happened before.

I’ve closed my eye before in that moment and had extremely pleasurable orgasms. I was too visually fixated in this recent instance. I’m not sure I’ve ever just breathed through it.

I feel disappointed. I don’t feel relieved. I was seeking pleasure, not relief. Is seeking pleasure sin? Is Pornographic aid sin? Is self harm sin? Not in a physical way; taking an action I know leads to a worse future.

I’m eating a banana. An ape would best understand me over the past hour as compared the majority of my day. Computers and text are probably only grasped by humans (Although I’d like to think some aquatic friends could piece it together with enough evidence).

It’s quite late.

(318) 655-7986

Hailey McGrath was my last blast. A bit of a current fascination.

Her arms are really unique in that it almost seems like she has a triple-cep (‘front tricep’). Three clearly defined muscle bellies seem to appear as she flexes. The definition is pretty unreal.

She’s also has a pretty nice forearm and a clearly dominate right side. Something about uneven musculature in a women really turns me on.

And of course it’s a shredded peak when hits us with the high elbow.

I’ve been gone for how long?

I’ve fully relapsed. My prior post was merely me falling in love. Time disappears once you give in. Abandonment is always absolute.

Without time how did I come to recognize my current position?

I beat off twice in a day. NBD for a large chunk of the population. I’m at a level where thats only really happening if I’m continuously downloading new material.

They’ve been fantastic as well. Not that sex hasn’t been fantastic as of late, but when there is a single focal point things are a little different. For a long while I toyed with the idea of prostate stimulation. My double probably had a little bit of butt play both times.

Of course being high helps. Generally I take longer to climax when I’m high. Great for sex and seems to make the orgasm that much longer as well. But of course I’m high, so time is a tricky measure.

See you soon(-ish)

A Meta Post Won’t Save You

My sober days have become few and far between. I’ve smoked 1, 2, 3 times daily. Building from my birthday weekend.

..What can we know of that which lies beyond?

I sometimes wonder if the devil isn’t just our own mind performing it’s function as an organ. Securing another cycle in a chemical feedback loop. Stimulating further to overcome plasticity. Safeguards. Angels.

The idea of Allah inside one’s mind always made sense to me. I never supposed that sacred space was occupied by Shaitan as well. Many religions reflect the notion that access to God lies within one’s mind. True, our experiences, as we know them, are only the mind’s interpretation..What can we know of that which lies beyond?

Meditation is a central component in both religious and secular life. During most practices a central component is a distraction free environment. Even a seemingly unbearable annoyance during practice would hardly even register in the outside world.

 

But now that I’ve found him where do I go?